How to Make Friends When You Have Social Anxiety
Socialising and friendships don’t come easily to someone with social anxiety. In this guide, we explore some low-pressure and practical ways to make that possible.
Making friends is hard for almost every adult. But to make friends while dealing with social anxiety is absolutely nerve-wracking.
It can take you an hour of internal monologue just to say “hi” to someone. And even then, you say nothing. Because you are afraid of being judged, of saying the wrong thing, of being seen as “weird”, of not being good enough.
And this fear, even when you know it makes no sense, is paralysing. Your entire vocabulary just vanishes. You are left with a dry mouth, sweaty palms, and no idea what to say.
When that becomes part of daily life, it is natural to just give up on the idea of making friends. But you do not have to.
No, this isn’t another “just put yourself out there” blog riddled with the most obvious and counterintuitive suggestions. It’s a lived experience that we want to share with you, in hopes that it might help someone else, too.
Why Making Friends Feels So Much Harder with Social Anxiety
You are not just shy or nervous. You are carrying a heavy burden that shapes how you see yourself in the world and how you think the world sees you.
When you have social anxiety, making friends is not just about being in the right place at the right time. Or just being confident and smiling. It is about surviving a storm of self-doubt before you have even said a word.
You lay awake at night replaying how you didn’t say “thank you” to the cashier at the grocery store, some 8 years ago. You worry about every minute detail of every interaction. The tone of voice, the words, the gestures, the body language – yours and theirs – keep playing on a loop in your mind. It is exhausting.
So, when you walk into a room, your first instinct is obviously to leave. Still, you want to try connecting. But unfortunately, most social spaces fail to recognise and build around these struggles.
Big events. Loud venues. Fast-paced conversations. People who expect you to jump in before you have found your footing. These are the environments for which most “friendship tips” are written. But they are not made for people who move slower, need more time, or simply cannot switch on a social script in the moment.
The problem is not that you are unwilling to connect. It is that you have not been given enough spaces where belonging doesn’t feel like a battle.
How to Make Friends When You Live with Social Anxiety
We know you have tried, and we know it is hard. But it isn’t entirely impossible. Here’s what might help, from someone who knows what it’s like to freeze up at hello. And trust us, we won’t just say things like “show up and smile”.
1. The fear of judgment is real, but it doesn’t have to win.
When you live with social anxiety, your mind does not just whisper doubts; it shouts them.
“Look, everyone’s staring at you.”
“They think you’re awkward.”
“You’re talking too much.”
“You’re not saying anything - now it’s weird.”
“You should just go home.”
This loop is exhausting, and it often starts before you have even entered the room. One of the hardest parts of making friends with social anxiety is not the social interaction itself but the fear of judgment and self-criticism that clouds it.
The truth is, most people are not paying as much attention to you as you fear. They are usually caught up in their own inner narratives. And deep down, you know that too. But knowing it intellectually isn’t the same as feeling it.
So instead of trying to shut off the fear of judgment (which rarely works), try focusing on this question instead: What would I do in this moment if I were not worried about being judged?
It sounds simple, but that small reframe can give you space to act, to say one thing, to stay five minutes longer, to answer instead of nodding. Over time, these moments build trust, not just with others, but with yourself.
2. Predictable plans feel safer, and that matters.
Social anxiety thrives in uncertainty – in the loose ends and the “we’ll see what happens” kind of plans. That is why so many casual social settings can feel like emotional ambushes.
When you don’t know basic details like how long it will go, who will show up, and what you are supposed to do, your brain fills the gaps with worst-case scenarios. It is not drama. It is just your survival instinct.
This is why structured, time-bound plans feel safer. Because you have a clear idea of what to expect. Whether it is a hobby group, a board game hour, or a local event with a clear beginning and end, predictability lowers the background noise of panic.
Platforms like Bunchups are designed to give you that control – you can decide what, when, where, who and even how long. So, you focus on connection instead of calculation.
3. Let the activity lead, not the small talk.
For someone living with social anxiety, even the thought of small talk is unbearable. Your small talk vocabulary ends at “hello, how are you,” “I am fine.” Your mind goes blank after that. And when silence hits, it feels like you failed some invisible test.
This is why activity-based plans make things easier. They shift the focus. You are not starting with a conversation. You are starting with a shared moment. When there’s something to do, it gives you something to talk about, return to, or just quietly enjoy. The pressure to perform disappears because the experience is no longer about impressing someone. It is about doing something besides them.
Whether it is a casual co-working plan, a zine workshop, a nature walk, a puzzle group, or a video game session, these kinds of plans let you connect at your own pace. They make space for friendship with social awkwardness, without asking you to mask who you are.
You can use apps like Bunchups to join or plan such activities in your area. You can choose to meet someone one-on-one or in a group of 2 or 3, so it doesn’t become too much for you.
4. Friendship is not a test; it is a practice.
Social anxiety and loneliness often go hand in hand. Since you are so worried about failing as a friend, you end up isolating yourself. We know it’s not your fault; this is just how social anxiety works.
But what if you didn’t view every social interaction through the lens of pass or fail? What if you just saw it as something you learn as you go?
Because the truth is, most friendships are not born from perfect first impressions. They are built through being around each other more than once, slowly letting your guard down, noticing that someone smiled when you spoke.
Friendship takes practice. And like anything else, you are allowed to get it wrong. You are allowed to leave early, to be quiet some days, to not always know what to say.
The people who will matter will not expect perfection. They will give you room to arrive as you are, and keep arriving until it starts to feel less like effort and more like belonging.
Activities and Conversation Starters You Can Try
You do not have to start today. But when you do feel ready to try something small, Bunchups gives you a way to begin at your own pace, in your own way.
Here are a few bunchup ideas that might help. These are not conversation hacks or tricks. Just a few things that do not ask you to be someone you are not.
- Join a board game or a puzzle bunchup with two or three people. You don’t need to talk, the game does all the talking. So, you can just relax, play and connect through your love of the game.
- Go birdwatching or on a nature walk. Walk side by side with another nature lover. If you feel like talking, starting with a simple “Did you see that?” is enough. And if you aren’t ready yet, just enjoy the birds and the quiet.
- Try a one-on-one co-working plan at a quiet café or library. Bring a book, a project, or your laptop. It is silent by design, you don’t have to talk. Even a polite smile or nod is enough for now.
- Play tennis or badminton with someone in a local court. It is predictable with rhythm and breaks, and can naturally lead to a conversation. It could be something as simple as “Should I serve first?”
- Attend a zine-making or sketching workshop with two or three other creative minds. Art gives your hands something to do while your mind slows down. When you are at ease, you can try to talk to them about their art. You can begin with something simple like, “When did you first start drawing?”, “Have you made a zine before?”
You do not have to be witty, outgoing, or full of stories. You just have to show up as you are, whenever you are ready. And when the space is right, the words might come too.
Final Thoughts
Friendships and connections do not have a set mould. They are whatever you need them to be. If your friendship does not look like everyone else’s, that does not make it any less real. As long as it makes you feel safe and belonged, it is valuable.
And there’s no hurry, you can take as much time as you need to build a friendship. You don’t have to talk in the very first or even the tenth meeting. You can do it only when you are ready, the right people will just get that. And Bunchups will help you find those right people – someone who has had the same experiences or loves the same things.
